Imagine for a moment, as best you can, that you have arrived home one afternoon and decide to go for a walk.

On your walk you pass a small reserve where you notice a young child sitting alone. Picture it in your mind, what are they wearing? what is the colour of their hair? the look on their face? Can you see it?

You conclude that the child must be waiting for a friend, or that their family are near by, so you continue your walk.

After a very long walk you pass the reserve again, this time on the way home. It is getting dark and you notice the child is still there, they haven’t moved and you can see tears in their eyes.

What do you do?

Well imagine that you stop to consider the situation. You notice that other people are also out walking, and they are walking right past the child. It’s not that they are bad people or heartless, you know some of them, you know them to be good people, they just don’t see the child, well most of them don’t, a few do and still keep on walking.

You realise that helping this child will inevitably delay preparing dinner and you are already feeling quite hungry. Despite the discomfort of your hunger pains you realise your pains are nothing compared to the fear and sadness this child is obviously feeling and the danger they may be in. You decide to talk to the child and do what you can to help them, you do this despite the likely inconvenience and discomfort that will result.

You approach the child in the least threatening way you can, you realise you may be scary to them and they surely know about stranger danger. Through their tears, sniffing and erratic breathing, they explain to you that they are lost. The child wondered out of their house then followed a little dog through the streets. Now they are completely lost, frightened and homesick.

You use your mobile phone to call the police who are aware of the missing child and are now on their way. You stay with the child and do what you can to comfort them.

The child is collected and back with their family. You are now very hungry, your evening has been disrupted and you even felt quite sad when empathising with the child, but despite this you feel really good about helping the child, knowing that your small amount of discomfort and sacrifice resulted in reducing the child’s suffering and produced a good result which could easily have ended otherwise if no one stopped, or even worse, if the wrong person stopped for the child.

You start to wonder why so many people walked past, why didn’t any of these people stop to help? Over the next few days you run into some of the people you recognise that walked past, you know them to be good people and eventually you cant help but discuss the day with them. When you hear their response you are surprised, puzzled and sometimes angry (though you don’t show it).

The responses range from “Oh, you are so amazing helping that child, I would help, but I couldn’t do that, it would just make me so sad to talk with a crying child, but I’m glad you stopped” to “That’s nice of you, but I couldn’t stop of course, dinner was already late and I really needed to put it on” to outright criticism “I just don’t understand why you would want to get involved in other peoples problems, the child’s parents are clearly irresponsible! They are just bad parents”.

Can you imagine that?! Take a moment to think about how you feel about helping this frightened defenceless child in need. Think about how you feel about the reasons people gave as to why they didn’t stop to help. Perhaps you feel the reasons given are fair, perhaps in reality you would share those reasons and not stop for the child?  Or maybe in reality you would be the person to stop, you would be puzzled, shocked or even angered by the explanations others gave as to why it was right for them not to help.

I have asked you to imagine this scenario which I hope you have, it is of course a thought experiment and people probably wouldn’t reply like that (I would hope). This scenario however is a perfect analogy of how we felt and the responses we received when my wife and I started as foster carers. We were (and continue to be) puzzled and shocked (yes, sometimes even angered) at the response by family and friends to our decision to become foster carers. Through this article, and by relating to the scenario you just walked through, I hope to give you our perspective. I hope to explain what we actually hear when people praise us, and what we hear when told why they “couldn’t” do the same.

I’m not here to judge anyone. I am not here to guilt anyone into foster care. There are many cases where people are just not in the position to or are not suitable to care. For those that wish to listen, I do want to explain why my wife and I are carers, and our response to the different comments we receive. I may be blunt at times, but the truth often is.

That’s amazing that you foster, you guys are incredible!

This statement is often the first thing we hear when some one finds out that we are foster carers. It can be nice to hear, it is nice to be recognised, at the same time it is more often than not difficult to hear. It’s not that we are ungrateful, we know you are sincere and it comes from a good place, but we don’t see it that way, and it feels like taking credit for doing the bare minimum when we could do a whole lot more. We get so much more out of fostering than we give, and there are so many carers that do so much more than we do. It feels like being praised for stopping and helping that lost and scared little child at the reserve. Shouldn’t this just be the norm? not something special or out of the ordinary? I mean, wouldn’t anyone take a little discomfort, a little disruption to make a huge difference to a suffering child?

So thank you for the praise, and thank you for your thoughts, but please understand that we are not saints and we would much rather something along the lines of “I hope it all works out for him/her, if there is something I can help with please let me know and I’ll see what I can do”, rather than “You are amazing, I couldn’t do that”.

 

Isn’t it hard to give them back? I couldn’t do that! I don’t know how you do it!

Yes it is! Yes you could! I can do it because I care about them.

We hear this almost as much as “You’re Amazing!”, more often than not they are coupled together.

For quite some time I had a big problem with hearing this (turns out a lot of other carers do too, they just cop it on the chin and move on). Why would I have a problem with this? Isn’t it a nice thing to say? Well no, no its not.

Firstly lets think back to the scenario of the lost child. Remember the person that said “Oh, you are so amazing helping that child, I would help, but I couldn’t do that, it would just make me so sad to talk with a crying child, but I’m glad you stopped”?

What they are actually saying is that their comparatively small amount of suffering is way more important to them than the huge amount of suffering the child has to deal with. They are saying “If the deal is that I have to bear some discomfort to prevent a huge amount of pain to the child, then I’m out! No deal!”

Is it hard to give them back? Yes, yes it is! It hurts like hell!, but you see, no matter how much it hurts you, it is nothing in comparison to the fear, confusion, sadness, isolation and rejection felt by the child before they find a loving caring home. We take on some of the load so that theirs can be lightened.

Secondly, what exactly do you think I feel? Are you saying that somehow I must not get as attached or emotionally involved as you would? Are you telling me that you care soooo much, that you have to just keep walking and just let the child fend for them self?

That’s not how caring works! That is not what love is about! When you care for a child, when you love them with all your heart, you will do what ever it takes to see them happy, to give them every chance to have the family and childhood they deserve. If that means letting them go, then that is what you do, no matter how much it hurts! THAT is caring, that is love! How could you not give them this chance? I am not callus, I don’t have some extra ability to suppress emotion that you do not have. What I have is the capacity to understand that the child’s suffering is far more than anything I will experience, I understand that the comparatively small amount of suffering I will endure will lighten the burden of this child and provide a chance for a happy future. I will come to love this child so much, that I will take on the sadness so that they can hurt a little less. So yes, you COULD give them back, because you would come to love them, and you will do what is best for them, not just yourself. You will find the strength, you find it for this child and you will find if for your family. You may even find a strength you didn’t know you had.

I will never forget one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever had the privilige to experience. We knew the time was approaching for a child to leave us, a child that had been with us for quite some time. My wife was holding this perfect little child in her arms as they were drifting off to sleep. She knew what was coming and of course she was heart broken, but knew it was the best thing for the child. She started singing to her

 I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you

 

And I use to think that I was the strong one in the relationship! Even now when I hear the song I start to fog up.

So please don’t tell us that you are too sensitive and loving to help a child, it comes across as a cop out, to have it both ways, of saying, I am a good person and absolutely would help any child  – but I just cant … because I am such a good person.

These days I don’t get so uptight about it. I just assume that its the first thing that pops into peoples heads and they really haven’t thought it through. I imagine there is another reason, a valid reason, but for whatever reason they can’t say it, so they fall back to “I couldn’t do that”. Whatever it is, these days I just feel it is sad. Sad that the person denies themselves this joy, and sad that there are kids that they could help, but never will.

There are more children requiring care than there are foster carers. Don’t think that someone else will stand in if you don’t, its just not the case.

 

What about your own family? Doesn’t it affect them? I couldn’t do that, I put my family first.

Does it have an affect on my family? Absolutely it does!

Take my children for instance, their family has now grown bigger and they absolutely love their young sibling and their new Aunty and Uncle. They have learnt such important life lessons that just can’t be taught to a privileged child through stories or reason. They have had great times but have also seen first hand that other children are not as lucky as them. They have learnt patience, compassion and understanding.

I watched, heart swelling with pride, as my son prepared the room with a teddy bear, some of his toys and dream catchers so that the foster child wouldn’t be scared at night. And when my eldest son read a child a book to go to sleep many nights in a row, when for the rest of us it was a long painful process to try and get this child to sleep. My kids have learnt empathy and had the opportunity to do something practical to help a child. They have had the first hand experience that goes beyond the abstract act of placing a coin in a donation box (which is also a good thing – just not quite the same).

It’s not always an easy ride, but the challenges are part of what makes it such an invaluable experience for my kids. They get so much out of helping other kids, it has been absolutely wonderful for them, and they wouldn’t have it any other way!

In saying all that, we do have some criteria when accepting a child into our house, we have measures to ensure our children are not in danger, we DO put our family first! And by family I don’t mean only the ones that share our genetic make up. We consider the impact on all family members before agreeing to a placement.

And what about the impact on my marriage?

The impact has been a greater respect, a deeper love and a stronger bond. How could I have anything but admiration, love and respect for the woman that cares for these kids so deeply and so passionately. How could I be anything but overcome with emotion when she sang to that child? I always knew that she had a huge heart, but I have seen how deep it really goes when things get real. How strong she really is, and how hard she will fight if the people she cares about need her to.

Fostering DOES affect my family! I put my family first, and that is another reason why we foster!

 

I couldn’t do that!

It’s so easy to forget about all the kids in need (which is far more than you probably imagine), it’s easy because for the most part they are hidden from view. We see someones tragedy on Facebook and many people gather together to help out, which is fantastic, but these children are just as deserving, and in just as much need of help, but they are invisible to most people.

 

If you look the other way it’s easy to keep walking past the lost child. But could you look into their tear soaked face and tell them that you care too much to help? That you’re too busy to help? I couldn’t do that!

Live in my own happy little bubble while children that I could help suffer? – I couldn’t do that!

Put my comparatively small amount of emotional suffering ahead of relieving an innocent child a huge amount? – I couldn’t do that!

Criticise and blame the people trying to help while doing nothing myself? – I couldn’t do that!

 

How could we foster?

How could we not?